Pizza

I spent the last week making pizza dough, sauce, chicken, and chopping peppers for my pizza only to see it stick to the pan.
Damn!! =P

feeling good

This weekend has been so great. I cleaned, organised, made food, did grocery shopping and enjoyed some time with friends. Doesn't sound all that exciting, but I like things this way. I feel like the stress is melting away, and the drama is at bay. I hope this feeling continues =)

Thoughts

Why does my heart ache, thoughts of the past sting like fire?

Good memories are the hottest, bringing back what is now gone.

Perfection in my eyes, my arms around yours, forever or so I thought.

Now lost in a sea of nightmare thoughts, trapped in purgatory.

No way forward and no way back.

Living with bones in the soil, revealed months too late and without full understanding or sense.

A senseless crime, a terrible time.

A time that still burns like fire in this tortured mind.

never

stupid is as stupid does. I will never ever be stupid or blind again.
Never.
I swear this to myself.

Cliche anyone????

I don't know why, but I just HAAAAAATTTTTTEEEEEEEEEE something right now!!!!!!

AH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Okay, I feel better =)

I hate.....

stupid cliched sayings that are made up bullshit to make crappy situation seem good, or to make someone look smart by saying them.

AH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Enough with the words of wisdom, and quote pulled out of your fucken ass made up by some random Carlton cards 2 bit writer!

I'm sick sick sick sick of it all. "Everything happens for a reason???" Fuck that! People only say that when something really fucked up just happened. Of course everything happens for a reason, there needs to be a reason for something to happen in the first place. It's all perspective. My cat gone run over by a car, which lead me to buy a cat I love more...see everything happens for a reason.

Stupidest saying ever, the more you think about it the less it actually makes any sense. It's really just a string of words that makes it sound positive.

That's it, I'm done with this rant. I'm off to bed now because everything happens for a reason, and my reason is that I'm sleepy!

=)

Mr Spelling

Okay, I know he just created Melrose Place, and didn't really write it, but I sure wish he was still around. I'd love to sell him a few ideas for a show, some so unbelievable and crazy, it may not even be believable enough to put on TV.

Thinking about that now, I'd have to agree. Some stories would just be laughed off at by viewers as so ridiculously unbelievable.

Well, let me tell you something. Only in real life do you get the extremes of storytelling, or the extremes of human behaviours.

Car Crash (you know, the OLP song)

Holy shit eh? What a few months can do to a person.

Reading over my last post makes me kinda laugh because I wasn't the one who ended up running away! Man, when I wrote that I was thinking of taking a short trip on my own, to re find my independed side. Joke was on me though, well, many jokes were on me I guess.

What do you do when your beautiful stained glass life is smash with a hammer? Well, if you're me, you pick up the pieces, slit your wrists and then eat them with some lemon juice. Haha, now I'm sounding like an old friend of mine. But, really, I do reserve to vent. Even if it's just to myself since I've locked this blog out. Who knows what flirty beady greek eyes will be prying=O. Like I really give a damn anymore. I really don't care about much right now.

I should be in bed by now. Fuck this, I'm going to bed for venting isn't really doing it for me tonight. My OLP playing in the background is doing me good though.

Who knows what my life will look like when I post again. At least I can bet that it will look better.

Although, who knows eh? Maybe a hammer will knock out the whole church this time.

Me time

"I need the free time, I need to get away. I need the free time to get away from you. I need some me time. I need to run away tonight..."

Ya, that's what's been circling through my mind lately. It's been a while since I've had this urge. The last time, I was still living in Brampton. Now, it's come up again, and I guess I shouldn't be surprised.

I've always been a pretty independent person, while still having a great group of people around me. I was me, with great friends and family. Now I feel like I'm losing that me. I think it really hit me recently when I realized that my mom speaks to me in the plural sense. It's not just me, it's you(s). When she first started doing small things like that, I was happy because I saw it as her being accepting. But now she's gone to the other extreme, and sees me as 2. I don't have anyone tide to my hip.

That brings up a related issue. I like the idea of having a partner in life, both pushing each other forward, teaming up to take on the world, putting each other first always, and gaining success from each other. But, sometimes this situation cannot be, and we must accept it. I have. Some people are just different, have different goals, have different views of life, different education, and so on. 

Okay, so where am I going here (hey, I only ever promised this blog would be mindless rambling from the top of my head, perhaps meaning nothing in the morning)? Do I want a second half for my life or not? Well, kinda. I want my life, and have it linked with another's. I want mine to be made better by another's. I want the other's to complement, energize, and strengthen mine. But, I still want to be me.

Now comes the part that tweaks me just a little. I've never really understood what it meant to describe someone as a "free spirit". I just thought it was some new age lingo that didn't really mean anything. Lately though, I've started to relate, just a little. Are you a free spirit if you feel like running away every now and then, just to get lost on your own and not think about anything else? Who knows...

Now back to the song that started this blog...

"I need to run away tonight.  Run run run....where do you go to be free?"

tired

Is it worth trying if nothing comes of it? Or is it best to accept and join the crowed, per se? Maybe I should step back and take another look in, as it's usually the case that I only realise things too late. Sometimes even the grandest garden can get covered with ivy to the point that it's hard to see it below. At that point it's just a matter of whether or not the garden chokes under the weight of the growth on it.
by the way, it's so hard to not join in the game.

Life is Great.

I just wanted to share that my life is so great, and it has been for the last year and a half. Also, I get everything that I want, but that's not really new.

LIfe is much less about money now, and much more about having fun. I deserve it though, like all the advertisements say. Except, I have earned all the fun I am now having, and have no plans on giving any of it up!

I want a bailout

So, today the US decided that they won't be buying back 'toxic' mortgages in the banks, and will instead just investing in the banks themselves. This got me wishing...

I want a bailout.

Here is a history of my stock investment performance over the last 5 years:

XXXXXX

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00000000XXXXXX

0000000000000

000000000000

0000000000

00000000xxXXXX

0000000000000

0000000000000

000000000000XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

000000000000000000000000000000000

0000000000000000000000000000000

000000000000000000000000000000

000000000000

00000000000

So, the 000000000 are newly invested money, and the 0000 are the current;y invested money. So, basically, this rough graph tells you that I invested money, then lost some. Instead of cutting and running, I put in more. Then, lost again. So, I put more in. Then I got really excited, and put a whole lot more, and most of it in US bank stocks. A week or so later then dropped off a cliff. I hung on. A few months later they fell off another cliff and into the pits of hell.

I hang on still. 

I don't just have bank stocks now, but it really doesn't matter. Whatever I buy, it either falls slowly over time, or crashes all at once.

I hang on still.

Thankfully none of it is borrowed money, or my life savings. Well, some of it my savings, but I'm not like the US banks, using borrowed money. If I was, I probably wouldn't be typing this, because I wouldn't have cable.

So, now I sit here imagining the government coming in and buying up all my bad stocks, and giving me money back based on their original purchase prices. How nice would that be.

Will I invest more when  we hit the bottom?

Well, I already have... many other times when I thought the market had hit bottom.

I think I'll wait in out for a while this time.

distance

Sometimes distance really does make the heart grow fonder. Not only that, but it helps put things in perspective for you.
For example, if I were hit by a car, and left without legs, what and who would be the most important thing/person in my life?
It's really easy to take things for granted when the going is good. But, when the going gets tough...that's when you realise what is important.
Just a though on my mind tonight.....

Reflection

Wow, it's been a while. Upon opening my blog page I read my little comment on the side:

Why do we value money so much in our lives? Sometimes I look around and wonder if I value it too much. Has it become a measure of success for me? Wait, I know that answer already. Working hard has always been my strongest driver in life. Perhaps though, living is more than just work alone. Wait, I know that answer as well. Now, I guess the only question is when will I start living more and working less? I promise myself it will be this year, because a Soul cannot be Hugged by money forever.

Funny how plans sometimes actually pan out like you want. So, let me begin my posting with an update on the above self promise.

Short answer: Promise fulfilled.

When I wrote the above note, my life revolved around work, and how to make money. A goal that many people have somewhere in their life plans. But, I had tired of that goal, and without even knowing it, took a totally different path in my life that changed it.

Moving to Toronto a year a few months ago profoundly changed my life, and thankfully for the better.  Gone are the 60 hour work weeks, stress from parental tension, arguments, and a feeling of spinning in a circle.

Now my life is filled with a loving partner, who truly knows how to hug my soul. It's filled with a mostly supporting family. Some of the best friends I could ask for. Many fun times including dancing the night away, relaxing on the couch watching a movie, long walks or rollerblading, and all the time in the world to work out. Did I mention making money? Ya it's there too (and losing money looking at the state of the stock market, but let's not go there). 

Ya, I have a job. Not the most interesting or exciting, but one that fits my new lifestyle. Set hours, great co workers, a good wage, and less that 40 hours a week.

Best of all, I have a weekend to look forward to! There's nothing nicer than knowing you have a weekend full of fun plans coming up.

So what's my measure of success these days?

Experiences. 

I want to experiences all the great and crazy things that life has to offer, and not miss out on anything. 

Funny thing though, like the drive to make money, this new goal comes with it's own set of issues...

soul in need of a hug

wow, after so many months away, here I find myself when I need a hug.

The sun can shine so brightly in the sky, so warm and wonderful.
It can shine everyday, be there every morning when you open your eyes.
It can become such a perfect routine, that you almost start to take it for granted.
Inside, you tell yourself that it won't last always, and you try and convince your heart of the same.
But, the heart just knows the comfort of the perfect situation.
Everything aligns just right, everyday for so many days.
And days become weeks, and even months.
The mind forgets to remind the heart not to take the constant yellow glow for granted.
(or maybe it has forgotten this itself)
One day a cloud is seem off in the distance, but it is disregarded.
It will never make it here, and even if it does, it will not shatter the sunlight.
One morning, the cloud is high in the sky.
But, the shine shines on, just as predicted. Nothing has changed, happiness reigns still, uninterrupted.
The next morning the cloud is gone, and it is like that for the next 3 days. In the afternoon of the 4th though, the sun is gone.
The cloud has returned with a vengence. It has become lighting, thunder, and darkness.
The sunlight has stopped. Just for a day, but it is gone.
The next morning the cloud is gone, and it is bright again. The sun shines through, and it doesn't seem that too much has changed. Some say that weeds will begin to grow in the garden because of the rain.
But, that is paid no attention, as the cloud was just a one time thing, and mistake in paradise.
A mistake, that occurs again one week later. And again a few days later. The weeds are seen in the garden, and I am reminded of how it is like to have them there. To not have unending perfection.
My stomach turns at the thought of the cloud. Why can't it just blow away, and why must it be so close to the sun always. It is always there now, always near the sun.
Am I here for a hug, or just to rediscover my moral soul?

Making Yogurt

Ya, I'd like to see 300, especially on Imax. I saw Superman in Imax, and the large screen and 3d for that movie, made it worth while. The actual movie was bland though. 300 looks exciting.
O
kay, so for all those of you who don't know, I will tell you something cool. You can make your own yogurt, right from home! All you need it milk, and some real yogurt (read the ingredients when you buy it, it should only have bacteria and milks).
step 1: Bring the milk to a boil (as much as you want to make), then let it sit.
step 2: When the mix is still warm, but not hot, mix in a few tablespoons of yogurts, and stir.
step 3: Cover this, and let it sit for 12-14 hours.
step 4: You should now have yogurt! Put it in the fridge, and eat it all up, yum!

Hints:
-your yogurt will be runny if you let your milk cool too much before adding your yogurt.
-add fruits and tasty treats to your yogurt. It is the base to many great tasting treats.

Why go through all this "hard work" (ya right, it's so easy!). But, making your own yogurt is cheaper, free of nasty gums and preservatives, and most of all: fun and fast to make!

PS- thanks Patrycja for telling me this is possible!