The war is over

It's funny how I find myself here when strong winds come blowing through life.
2 and a half years is a long time. A long long time, with many months, with many weeks, with many days, with many minutes.
I'm done. Finally. Happily. Willing to allow the great possibilities in around me again. Taking down the walls. Letting go of false and delusional hope of some fantastic memory. No more "buddy" no more "hate," no more fake "I promise". I'm leaving the battleground, it can continue without me. I was wounded, but now ready to repair. I have kept the greatness of nice deeds out because I thought it would betray a future that I clung to. No more. That future is false, and I have been too trusting, too forgiving, too understanding and too patient.
No more.
The war is over.
Buddy.

little musings

I sit here so badly wanting to write, to allow the words to flow, taking with them all that filled up the space between all the walls. For if a beautiful stained glass life was shattered by a hammer, that life transformed into sharp pieces of glass which always cut from below. So badly tried to be buried, so badly tried to be forgotten by one have stuck themselves so deeply into the foot of the other. Not because of what they represent or how they were created from something so great, but for the fact the their existence was ignored, cleanup refused and denied. Now they tear through all remaining shreds of respect, for the mere fact the one tried to deny and ignore. 

Brighter

Brighter

A light shines in far away place

The man who controls it has a nice face

He is familiar, but fully unknown

Like a seed in the mind that has been sown.

The light draws you near to its warm light

And you follow it through even though you fight

The man says he knows all that you are

That you are the one, his special star

The light warms your body body all the way through

And while at home, a candle burns blue

With this man, you want to stay, but not without a reason

You think and you think and decide to blame the changing seasons

Too cold, too odd, too unique, too independent, too curious, to honest

Where you were once just warm, you are now hotter than hell

And the candle you once owned, you can now sell

And sell it you did

What is this place any more?

Wow I was brought back here tonight by a reminder of this place, and it made me think about what it means to me. It started off as a distant lover's cry, and turned into the daily exciting events from my life which I was ecstatic to share with anyone I cared about. Then I stopped writing when I had all I needed in my life, only returning to it time to time when things got tough.
Then it was invaded and used against me by those closest to me, those most trusted. I now know what it feels like to have your diary stolen and read in front of your class.
Then this place became a very different place which was locked up for only me to see, and vent, and cry to.
Now I've moved onto greener pastures, yet I know I will return here one day. Perhaps when memories have faded, perhaps if they ever fade. At least I don't have to force people to read my exciting little world here any more though. I look forward to bluer skys here as well, but I guess that's all my choice.
At leasts I lived up to my goal in my last post!!

New Blog

I want to start a new blog about me cooking, and buying foods at local markets. It will be about buying good and cheap foods, and finding great recipes online. Now I just need a name for it.

How do you scratch an itch that you just can't find?

I so badly want to do something new, a new project or a new direction. Something exciting to get my blood flowing, my mind racing and my imagination pumping.
That's just what that I'm having trouble with. If I had this something, I would be able to devote all my time and energy to it. I've had nothing since loosing my project last February, one which I can't take up again no matter how nice it would be to go back.
But going forward, where am I left to go? To sit at home at night after work, after the gym thinking about who I can have over or what I can watch on tv?
No, I need something more. Maybe a class, a course. But then I worry about missing out on the fun times in summer. How about a new degree, an MBA? Am I ready to give up my life again, for 3 years, to do an MBA? Maybe that's just what I need right now, something that makes sense, that will make all the small crazy things seem like nothing again.
I've thought about a second job, but what? I'd like it to be a business of my own, but once again, what? What type of business can I do that will allow me to work on my own after my day time job?
And what about this long time dream of living somewhere forever warm, where winter is nothing more than an excuse to put on a sweater? That one will probably have to wait, I'd really need something great to take me away from my current life.
Hum, to think that my hardest thing to do now is to find something to occupy my time and make me better. Not too bad eh?

Breaking

The new year has begun, and it seems like a horrific storm has passed.

Like a child whose wish is granted only to be nothing as it seems.

I have seen an alternative life flash before my eyes, like another path I went running down, then away from.

I traded what was once heaven and earth, for hell and emptiness, thinking it was heaven and earth.

What a wake up call to the stupid ideas I once held, which swirled through my mind.

As if I needed to experience the storm to see the sun, to triggar a real total meltdown to allow for a true reboot. It was not enjoyable or fun, nor was I ever truly there in heart or mind.

I'm forever tied to another's heart, one that continues to beat for me even after all I have put it through.

I now know fear held me back, built the walls and locked the doors to my heart. It grew dark and cold, feeding off anger and choosing to hold onto it to protect itself.

Now, can really want out again, into a world which was once so warm? Will I really allow it to leave these shackles?

I have seen the alternative reality, one where other's seem trapped, stuck with their feet in the mud.

Can it be as simple as allowing love in again, and deciding to show some back? Is this just a trick of my heart or a glimmer between breaking clouds?

Only time will tell if the sun will shine, if it's rays will reach my garden, if my garden will grow, if the weeds will die.

No, time will not decide this, only the farmer who will tend the soil.

How can the right decision hurt so much, and seem so wrong? Only time will tell I guess. Here's to a restart.

Changing Seasons

So, Winter is on it's way, the clouds have covered the city and the sun is just a distant memory. I can still remember its heat on my bare skin, its brightness causing my eyes to close. These memories are fading away though; if only all memories could fad so easily.

I'll never understand the human mind, and why it likes to torture itself so much, over and over and over. Or, maybe it's just mine. Maybe it's because I still care, and I still hang on waiting for the floor to fall out again. Security once ruled my life, the feeling of always being safe, always being able to trust. Now, I run from the possibilities of these feelings and put up as many walls and roadblocks possible. I wonder if I will ever trust again. Or, if I've lost that innocence, like a child loses when they first realise that their parents aren't perfect, or that "best friend forever" sometimes only lasts a few month.

So as I reminisce about the glorious sun, I also try not to remember my perfect garden, that was only threatened by a cloud every now and then and the fear of weeds growing in. For the garden is not tended to any more and I sometimes wonder what is left of it. It's beautiful memories permeate my mind, and causes rain in my real world. Not because of the bad, but because of how good the good was, and what it may take to get it back.

Shine on lovely sun, where ever you are.

Memories

Sometimes tears just want to fall and fall and fall. Sometimes memories just wash over you without control, without invitation, without regard for your feelings or hopes.

Pizza

I spent the last week making pizza dough, sauce, chicken, and chopping peppers for my pizza only to see it stick to the pan.
Damn!! =P

feeling good

This weekend has been so great. I cleaned, organised, made food, did grocery shopping and enjoyed some time with friends. Doesn't sound all that exciting, but I like things this way. I feel like the stress is melting away, and the drama is at bay. I hope this feeling continues =)

Thoughts

Why does my heart ache, thoughts of the past sting like fire?

Good memories are the hottest, bringing back what is now gone.

Perfection in my eyes, my arms around yours, forever or so I thought.

Now lost in a sea of nightmare thoughts, trapped in purgatory.

No way forward and no way back.

Living with bones in the soil, revealed months too late and without full understanding or sense.

A senseless crime, a terrible time.

A time that still burns like fire in this tortured mind.

never

stupid is as stupid does. I will never ever be stupid or blind again.
Never.
I swear this to myself.

Cliche anyone????

I don't know why, but I just HAAAAAATTTTTTEEEEEEEEEE something right now!!!!!!

AH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Okay, I feel better =)

I hate.....

stupid cliched sayings that are made up bullshit to make crappy situation seem good, or to make someone look smart by saying them.

AH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Enough with the words of wisdom, and quote pulled out of your fucken ass made up by some random Carlton cards 2 bit writer!

I'm sick sick sick sick of it all. "Everything happens for a reason???" Fuck that! People only say that when something really fucked up just happened. Of course everything happens for a reason, there needs to be a reason for something to happen in the first place. It's all perspective. My cat gone run over by a car, which lead me to buy a cat I love more...see everything happens for a reason.

Stupidest saying ever, the more you think about it the less it actually makes any sense. It's really just a string of words that makes it sound positive.

That's it, I'm done with this rant. I'm off to bed now because everything happens for a reason, and my reason is that I'm sleepy!

=)

Mr Spelling

Okay, I know he just created Melrose Place, and didn't really write it, but I sure wish he was still around. I'd love to sell him a few ideas for a show, some so unbelievable and crazy, it may not even be believable enough to put on TV.

Thinking about that now, I'd have to agree. Some stories would just be laughed off at by viewers as so ridiculously unbelievable.

Well, let me tell you something. Only in real life do you get the extremes of storytelling, or the extremes of human behaviours.

Car Crash (you know, the OLP song)

Holy shit eh? What a few months can do to a person.

Reading over my last post makes me kinda laugh because I wasn't the one who ended up running away! Man, when I wrote that I was thinking of taking a short trip on my own, to re find my independed side. Joke was on me though, well, many jokes were on me I guess.

What do you do when your beautiful stained glass life is smash with a hammer? Well, if you're me, you pick up the pieces, slit your wrists and then eat them with some lemon juice. Haha, now I'm sounding like an old friend of mine. But, really, I do reserve to vent. Even if it's just to myself since I've locked this blog out. Who knows what flirty beady greek eyes will be prying=O. Like I really give a damn anymore. I really don't care about much right now.

I should be in bed by now. Fuck this, I'm going to bed for venting isn't really doing it for me tonight. My OLP playing in the background is doing me good though.

Who knows what my life will look like when I post again. At least I can bet that it will look better.

Although, who knows eh? Maybe a hammer will knock out the whole church this time.

Me time

"I need the free time, I need to get away. I need the free time to get away from you. I need some me time. I need to run away tonight..."

Ya, that's what's been circling through my mind lately. It's been a while since I've had this urge. The last time, I was still living in Brampton. Now, it's come up again, and I guess I shouldn't be surprised.

I've always been a pretty independent person, while still having a great group of people around me. I was me, with great friends and family. Now I feel like I'm losing that me. I think it really hit me recently when I realized that my mom speaks to me in the plural sense. It's not just me, it's you(s). When she first started doing small things like that, I was happy because I saw it as her being accepting. But now she's gone to the other extreme, and sees me as 2. I don't have anyone tide to my hip.

That brings up a related issue. I like the idea of having a partner in life, both pushing each other forward, teaming up to take on the world, putting each other first always, and gaining success from each other. But, sometimes this situation cannot be, and we must accept it. I have. Some people are just different, have different goals, have different views of life, different education, and so on. 

Okay, so where am I going here (hey, I only ever promised this blog would be mindless rambling from the top of my head, perhaps meaning nothing in the morning)? Do I want a second half for my life or not? Well, kinda. I want my life, and have it linked with another's. I want mine to be made better by another's. I want the other's to complement, energize, and strengthen mine. But, I still want to be me.

Now comes the part that tweaks me just a little. I've never really understood what it meant to describe someone as a "free spirit". I just thought it was some new age lingo that didn't really mean anything. Lately though, I've started to relate, just a little. Are you a free spirit if you feel like running away every now and then, just to get lost on your own and not think about anything else? Who knows...

Now back to the song that started this blog...

"I need to run away tonight.  Run run run....where do you go to be free?"

tired

Is it worth trying if nothing comes of it? Or is it best to accept and join the crowed, per se? Maybe I should step back and take another look in, as it's usually the case that I only realise things too late. Sometimes even the grandest garden can get covered with ivy to the point that it's hard to see it below. At that point it's just a matter of whether or not the garden chokes under the weight of the growth on it.
by the way, it's so hard to not join in the game.

Life is Great.

I just wanted to share that my life is so great, and it has been for the last year and a half. Also, I get everything that I want, but that's not really new.

LIfe is much less about money now, and much more about having fun. I deserve it though, like all the advertisements say. Except, I have earned all the fun I am now having, and have no plans on giving any of it up!